pictures...

ewa...im missing you already.im sick and lost without you...

damn...

i want you back...

can you still forgive me?

the first letter.

Is it possible to put into words the exact thing that one wishes to deny? Or should it be kept hidden,safe from the world's judgemental eyes?

Right now, I am trying my best to put it into words as I sit on this comfy chair ...aware that the days slowly slips awaygiving me limits or much worse giving me signs fora near-end... yet all I want is to express what Ifeel...But come to think of it...I really don't have anyIDEA of what I feel.

It's so confusing... All I knowi s that my heart beats for this person without knowing the reason why. It surmounts everything within me...

I know im going to miss him for he is different.he's been very kind and gentle all this time and it makes me wonder how beautiful his soul is for being such a blessing.

Yes, he has somehow become a blessing for letting me see a lot of things....like life and beauty, love and hope, faith and reality...things which I thought are felt and understood by self-actualized people whose life seems to be perfect.

But life is not perfect. There is always a vainness that makes one feel incomplete or want and seek formore...And it's so sad to know that no one can always have the things that he wants. It pinches the heart like a song that has hit the right spot.

Nevertheless, it opens one's eye to a whole new dimension of living---seeing life and love in a newspectrum of light.

I think I almost fell for this person. Amazingly, Ihave managed to control my feelings not necessarily wanting a relationship but loving--just loving him as he is---silently.

Perhaps we can never really tell if we are in love.The universe is full of mystery and even a lifetime is not enough to decipher the secrets that it has.And right now, I am just glad that whatever it is that I feel towards him, I have once again managed to get a glimpse of how it feels to be happy.

I am thankful that for a certain point in my life, I have encountered a soul as beautiful as the radiant summer sun. But unlike the seasons, his light will not be forgotten.It will remain in my heart...forever.

the second letter

we are all dreamers in so many ways. we often ask for a nice life...of a flourishing career...of goals and dreams fulfilled...of people we lost long ago coming back. and somehow, somewhere in the deepest longing of our soul, we hope for a miracle and for our prayers to be answered.

but it's not always easy to wait. the road might be endless. the seas might be too deep.the evening sky might be painted with crimson red. but dreamers, bless their hearts, they always see the other side.

to them, the road might lead to a home with a nice supper. the deepest seas might reveal a treasure from endless times and the cloudy evening sky might make a window for that single star.

as for a dreamer like me, i already stopped waiting. i now learned that the stars will not line up anymore even through the softest petition of the human heart. people have their own roads. they themselves have to explore and conquer them.

it is stated that memories have their own ways of staying in one's heart because they refuse to leave and we refuse to let go.

that's exactly what i did. i refused to let it go because until now, though that time had passed blissfully and faster than a human blink, you remained wonderful in my eyes coz i know in my heart that you will always be my bright summer sun...the cool breeze that blows gently...and the fairy prince on a cold winter snow.

but i think i have to let go now... you are happy with someone else and i do not want to interfere anymore. i'll let things as to what they should really be.

everything is sinking in. maybe what we had might not be real and i only got the illusion that the feeling between us might be mutual...

this is the point where dreaming ends.

but i'll always look back to that summer when my heart was caught in my throat and my feet was enjoying the long evening walks... when holding hands was filled with life and the city noise was a soft melodious song... when words won't come out whenever you're so close to me. the whole world's in perfect unison during those moments as my thoughts turned to you so lovingly.

it never occured to me that i'd be this happy to meet you more than once in this lifetime now. and i hope that through this letter, you will always remember that you are more than special..

i wish it was us.....but i want you to soar up high to where your heart is leading you.

i'll be fine..i promise.

we'll see each other again.

if not in this lifetime, perhaps in a different space...

in a different time.

till then my brightest star...

ang pagsulyap sa binondo

alas tres na ng hapon ngunit hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit hinahatak ako ng aking mga paa sa binondo. madalas naman akong mapagawi sa maynila ngunit hindi pa sa lugar na iyon. siguro mayroon nga akong gustong makita. isang bagay na matagal ng kumukulo sa loob at nagpupumiglas na kumawala at sumabog.

mataas na ang sikat ng araw pagdating sa carriedo at parang gusto ko ng bumalik at sumakay ulit ng tren papunta sa dakong malayo. malayo sa lugar na ito. ewan ko nga ba ngunit tila ako ay kinakabahan. parang nagbabadya ang isang ulan. makulimlim ang langit sa kalayuan. pero pucha. nandito na nga lang rin ako, ituloy ko na. hindi pwedeng tumalikod..

sumakay ulit ako ng jeep at nakarating na nga sa tinutunton. at oo nga. aking nakita na bihag pa rin ng binondo ang kulturang chino. napuno ng letrang hindi ko maintindihan ang mga kalsada. punong puno ng mga singkit ang paligid.. na andito na nga ako...nasabi ko na lang sa aking sarili.

at dahan dahan kong nilakad ang kalsadang papunta sa pinakamataas na gusali sa binondo.. hindi naman ito sadyang maganda sa kalayuan, ngunit may kung anung hangin ang dumadampi sa akin para akyatin ito at hamunin...

sana makaya ko... sana tama lang...

napatunayan kong may kakaibang ihip ang hangin sa binondo pag akyat ko sa pinakatuktok ng gusali. naging mainit ang sandali...tumutulo ang pawis at para bang ako ay napapaso. pero kinaya kong silipin ang dapat makita sa gusaling ito...hindi ko na inisip ang bukas. pawang ang sandaling ito na lang...siguro maganda nga talaga ang tanawin dito. kahit ata maghubad ako, walng papansin sa akin.

at doon nga nangyari ang lahat. napapigit na lang sa nakikitang bughaw na langit sa kaitaasan habang hinahaplos ako ng mainit na hangin.. sa pakiwari ko ay sasabog na ako sa kakaibang tanawin ng binondo..sige lang...damhin mo lang...

at ako nga ay sumabog at nagpatangay sa tibok ng ng puso ko.

hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit natuyo na ang aking pagkamangha pagkatapos kong akyatin ang gusaling kinalalagyan nito. marahil, ginusto ko ring makita kung anu nga ba ang totoong binondo. at unti unti kong nakikita sa kalayuan ang isang binondong kakaiba ang kulay na hindi gaya ng iniisip ko.

dapit hapon na, at malungkot kong pinagmasdan ang tanawing nakapaligid bago ko nilisan ang gusali. muli kong ipinigit ang aking mata...payapa na ang hangin...hindi na ako napapaso..
para bang tumigil na ang lahat simula sa oras na ito..

napansin kong papalubog na ang araw sa kalayuan....at kasabay nito ang paglubog na rin ng aking damdamin

nagpasya na akong lisanin ang binondo...iiwan ko na lang ang bakas ng sandali sa mga pader ng gusaling ito..hayaan na lamang ituring na isa sa mga paang tumapak at sumamba...hayaan ko na lang na maging isang alaala ang bawat pagkilos at pagpigit ng mata...

ngunit alam ko sa aking sarili na sa pag alis ko dito, baon ko naman ang isang bagong umaga...

hindi na ako babalik sa binondo.

sa bonifacio hi street..

pinilit kong isulat sa isang maliit na papel ang saloobin ng aking puso. ngunit ako yata ay nabigo sapagkat hindi makuhang ipinta ng mga grupo ng salita ang makatas na damdaming umaagos sa bawat sulok ng aking pagkatao.

siguro, kung may salita lang ang isang espiritu, mas madali ng intindihin ang kaunting patak ng luha at bara sa lalamunan bago lumangoy at magpatangay sa mahimbing na pagtulog.

siguro, madali ng tanggapin ang kaunting kurot sa puso sa mga pagkakataong naglalakad sa isang kalsada na kasalubong ang mga pamilyang mukha ng kasiyahan habang ako'y nag-iisa.

siguro, makakaya ng sikmurain ang katiting na kalungkutan sa mga tanghaling nilulunod ng malamig na hangin ang buo kong katawan habang iniisip kung paano maaabot ang bughaw na langit sa kaitaasan.

ngunit walang salita ang isang espiritu...pawang presensya lang na nagpapaalaa...bumubulong...sa panahon ng ating katahimikan...kung saan tinatangay tayo ng agos ng damdamin..

naisip kong marami na rin pala akong nakilala na parang gurong nagturo sa akin kung paano maging malakas at panatag. at alam ko na sa dulo ng aking diwa, ang ilan sa kanila'y nanatili pa ring buhay kahit papaano sa patay ko ng damdamin.

may isa na naaalala sapagkat nalimutang tuparin ang isang pangako...

may isa naman na pilit ibinabalik ng panahon sa mga biglaang pagkikita na hindi na inaasahan pa..hindi nangako...dumarating na lang...

may isa na ginustong manatili ngunit bakas na ang pagod sa halos dalawang taong pagyakap sa pagsasamang ginugulo ng oras at pagkakataon...

natuto ako sa kanila....na tumayo sa sariling paa...
na ang kaligayahan ay makikita lamang sa sariling mga mata...
nasa loob...tumitibok...

sa kabila ng lahat ng ito, tanggap ko na ng buong buo, masakit mang isipin, na walang kataga, o pagkakataon ang magpapatunay na totoo ang salitang panghabang buhay at hindi kathang isip lamang.

mayroon lang sigurong mga pagkakataong natitisod sa panandaliang kaligayahan na katumbas ng isang paghiram..

ang paghiram sa isang sandali..
ang paghiram sa katiting na ngiti..
ang paghiram sa damdaming nagmamahal..

kailan man ay hindi mapapasaatin sa pagkat sa huli, kailangan din palang isauli...

ibalik sa dapat kalagyan...

sa kawalan...upang mahanap naman ng ibang kailangan ng isang sandali...

kaunting pagngiti..

at kapirasong pagdama sa pagmamahal.

nakakapagod...mangambang maubos na ang bawat lakas sa pagpigil sa mga bagay na sadya ng itinakda..



siguro...pagod na nga talaga ang aking espiritu at kailangan ko na ulit isipin at damhin ang pinangarap, muntikan ng maabot na sinag ng araw sa kalayuan.


sana...sana masinagan muli...

ng matapos na ang pag iyak ng isang pusong nalumot na ng panahon at pagkabilanggo..

another day

one lazy afternoon, when the sun was shaded and the air smelled grass, i found myself gazing at the passing cars outside the coffee shop to where i was located. and for a moment, i realized that i was feeling a bit empty as i puffed the clouds of nicotine from my winston lights cigarette.

the girl adjacent to my coffee table did not help either when she asked if i am working for a real estate company. i am not holding anything except for a big black bag that i always carry.

" mukha na ba ako ahente?"

" di naman." she replied.

it must be the bag i guess.

few hours before this lazy afternoon...i spent my time doing nothing... (well i did a lot of things actually but i dare not to say that for privacy purposes)...which made me ponder if i am still on the right track.

I'm living a double-sided life and I'm afraid because i know from the very beginning that what i did....and still doing is wrong.


but i know i want it....and that makes it difficult.

in this side of eternity, we are often faced with difficult choices in life...like making the right career move, breaking up with a loved one.....and choosing to be happy.

but at the end of the day...what matters most is how fair you played the game....


i sighed and lit another cigarette upon thinking these thoughts...

it took me some time before i finally wrote the next remaining words...






i am not the same person that i used to be.





it's different now i guess...