the dreamer lives on

my dreams are inspired by the four corners of my small room. where there is just enough space for my bed and cabinet. the dreamer in me yearns to break free for this meak space cannot and will never contain the vast desires of my heart.

but 13 years had pass since my room and i had been introduced, and i am still trapped in this enclosed space. not that i hate to be here. there's comfort in hearing my air conditioning hum in the laziest afternoon while i lay on my bed and imagine that the stars align in the ceiling above me. but it is also here that i am reminded that it's still a long way to go. the process of chasing dreams should never stop. the dreamer needs to break free and chase after butterflies no matter how hard it is to catch one. i did that before. i can do it again.

my hands are small now, but it is not going to be like this for eternity. soon i would be able to hold the world and lay on greener grass and count the constellation of stars in the infinite skies.

bukang liwayway

tumutunog pa rin ang malakas na ugong sa likod ng tenga ko. kasabay ng sunod sunod na pagbayo ng puso ko. kasabay nito ang maligamgam na bahang umaagos sa gilid ng aking mata.

unti unting binalot ng malamig na hangin ang loob ng aking kaluluwa. nagpupumiglas na makawala sa loob ng lamig. nagmamakaawang wakasan na ang daloy ng dugong nagpapaalala sa lawa ng hinagpis.

"wala na akong pakialam sa yo."


dumadagundong. umuugong.sumisigaw. abot hanggang kabilang buhay.

"tapos na"

na sya namang magpapatuloy sa kambal na kalawakang kapatid ng ngayon.


mananatili.magpakailan man. hindi matatapos. tuloy tuloy lang.

the repeat

woke up this morning feeling blue.but ill be strong. wont shed tears for you. ill be strong.....God help me.

The poet

You wrote about love in the most intricate way – hiding what you meant with unfathomable adjectives accessible in this lifetime. You made it possible for your readers to want and seek more. You are good at that.

You spoke of things I do not know and I hate the fact that you can explain Pablo Neruda’s tonight I can write the saddest lines with utmost clarity and conviction while I was there just staring at the obra with a big question mark on my face. “What the hell is he talking about?”

“Love is not equal – there will always be someone who loves more, and someone who loves less.” You answered.

You grabbed your pen again to write something about the future.

Long roads, delayed flights, soliloquy, monologues, the great wall, lost souls – you crafted these words.

I waited for you to write the next adjective.

But you’re done.

The poet sees life in a different way describing everything with unfathomable adjectives in this lifetime making it possible for his readers to want and seek more. He can combine words and make it meaningful. He can write everything

-Except my name.

Remembering Mcdo (for josh)

I lost a friend 3 months ago.

He died at the young age of 22 from a drug called Tylenol – The medicine experts classify as pain relievers. He was overdosed and it was too late for a treatment because it got to his system already destroying his internal organs in the process. 7 days he stayed in the hospital but his body was too weak to respond to anything. The only thing left for me to do was go to the hospital and say goodbye.

But goodbyes indeed were hard to say. I felt the heaviness right inside struggling to break free from my eyes as I watched his body from afar. I just can’t look at him for I would like to remember him the way I’ve always known him--- alive and full of hopes and dreams.

While I was there in the hospital trying to be a friend for the last time, I pictured those days when he used to be at the top of his game. I can see no traces of agony in his face as he discussed to me his plans for his college org. it could be a challenging job to juggle both academic and extra curricular activities but he managed to get through it—with style. And I must admit that I envy that zest in life that he once had.

I ended up in real estate after college. I even invited my friend to join me in the industry because I believed that he can do it. And yes he knew how to get that sale. My boss even compared me to him believing that he will become my greatest rival. Game on pal. That’s what I thought.

But he didn’t stay long in real estate. And after that short stint in the industry, our usual tambay sessions with the rest of the Gimik gang became scarce. He lived in a different world – totally opposite to what he used to. But I never saw a problem with that for I know that he’s such a strong person. He’ll manage. And we will meet again with that familiar beam of success.

We even had a short vacation in laguna last holy week. I thought he was ok. But his wounds were kept in that tiny organ near our lungs. I never saw it. Not until the day he was in the hospital.

We waited patiently for a miracle, but we learned that it was almost impossible for recovery to happen. Outside the ICU, we, the one he considered close friends, asked each other what went wrong. Why did he do that? He could have talked to us. We are just here.

But where the hell were we? We were unreachable, focused on our personal stuff and had no time to even reach out to someone who’s so close to our hearts. No time to go that party he arranged for his partner - Even if he begged. No time to understand why he never showed up in that interview – anger just came rushing in. no time to even txt him hello – we were just too tired.

I know, We failed him somehow. I hope you could forgive us josh.

So my advice to the young, sentimental and self absorbed yuppies like me, see to it that before you close your eyes and fret over the things that you had lost, you have phoned a precious friend whom you haven’t spoken for a long time now. Tell them how much they mean to you and that they are loved no matter what. It won’t take a minute to do that. Sure we have our own lives to take care of but who knows, it might be just seconds before that friend gulps a bottle of Tylenol for that never ending quest for remedy, not from the overwhelming physical pain but from the endless nights of remembering how sad it is to be alone.

tupper ware plastic

It’s nice to have Tupper ware utensils in the house. But having office mates marked with the mentioned brand is really hazardous.

I’ve been in the real estate industry for less than two years now and boy it’s dirty. You cant trust anyone.

A while ago my office mate confronted me with rage and anger. Man, it’s like im talking face to face to Lucifer. ( I’m glad you haven’t witnessed that). She was outraged by the fact that I asked about her client. I asked her “ ilang units ang bibilhin” and she started bitching up about me having no business with her clients. My boss and I were totally clueless about her response. And not only that, she also blurted out something in her native language which I can’t understand but it sounded nasty.

I flared up. “ may sinasabi ka ba iha?. Kung bad trip ka mas badtrip ako.”

Then my concerned boss talked to us. “ What happened ba__________?” ( the name of the angry officemate) To my surprise, the behavior was caused by her perception of me( including some of my office mates) being gahaman and nakikipag unahan with their clients. Wow that’s not me. I have ethics. I don’t do that.

Hindi mo ba napansin, nagpaparinig na kami sayo! She added.

Then she cursed me with all the malicious words that you can imagine.

“Hindi mo ko kilala kris.^%)#&@(*&!!!!!!!!!!!!” she shouted at the top of her lungs. ( right infront of my boss).

You know I had this notion that my colleagues are really the best. But I realized that they’ve been talking behind my back for the longest time na pala. tupper ware nga. nakikipag inuman, kwentuhan, etc pero pag wala ka na sa tabi, tsk tsk kawawa ka. What’s so disappointing is the fact that some of them pinasahan ko pa ng benta just to save their ass para magkasweldo na sila. 3 yun. sakripisyo ko para sa kanila. hindi naman ako madamot.

Then I confronted my hairless officemate ( kasama rin sya sa pag uusap )chong bat mo naiisip yan? Dahil bay un sa client ni myra? Binigay ko naman ah? Anung problema?. Tsk tsk. Ayoko pa naman sa lahat yung nagmamalinis.

“ wala na naman yun chong na turn over mo naman diba. pero sana.... blah blah blah”

Come on. Pinasahan ka na nga ng benta ganyan ka pa magi sip. Tsk tsk. How dirty your mind is.

Just to clear myself. I love my work so you cant blame me if I am so passionate with my job. You cant make me stop being so aggressive looking for clients because that’s just the way I am. Mabilis ako magtrabaho and don’t complain to me na nauunahan kayo na magbigay sa clients ng flyer. That’s such a crap. Maglakad kayo ng mabilis. And another thing, pag alam kong client nyo at my flyer nyo ng hawak, di ko nayan gagalawin. sobrang below the belt ang patama nyo. ang sakit.

I pity myself for having group mates that are so twisted. Ive been so nice to them. tapos what do i get in return? being treated like a crap? I don’t deserve it. really. ill get a sale even if im not in mc for i know that my God is with me. hindi ako naniniwala sa feung chui katulad nyo.

My boss said it perfectly “mag sorry ka kay chris. Ewan ko pero parang pang slum area ang ugali mo”.

And to the rest of the gang who still thinks that im mang aagaw at ganid sa clients, fuck you. mag trabaho kayo ng maayos gago.

checklist

Life here on earth is somewhat short. In our present generation, a human being is only allowed to live a maximum of 70 years. Amazingly, the bible even considered a year as a single day. So if we are going to think about it, we have a maximum of 70 days (or even shorter than that) to do what we are supposed to do in this lifetime.

But the sad reality of it all is that we can’t do everything that we hope for. There over a million and one reasons for not being to but id like to make a checklist to remind myself of my goals (and dreams as well). Here it goes:

1. Make my first million on my 23^rd birthday – luckily, this wont be a problem because I’m in an industry where making your first million is possible. Provided that I work hard for it and generate as many sales as possible. So good luck to me.

2. Buy my own car on or before December 2008 – accomplished. Nabangga nga lang sya agad.

3. Have a travel agency – there’s something about this plan that excites me. First are free travel opportunities. Second is the idea of becoming your own boss. I can see that this will be my first business venture. I hope 2009 is the year for that.

4. Write a book – yes. I would love to see my books displayed on national bookstore or fully booked. But one question left is the content. Definitely, anything about sex will be excluded (why am I hearing all those boos? Ok ill reconsider).

5. Be a barista – life. I almost made it. I just have to sign that contract and that’s it. I could have been your good-looking barista in starbucks weslife ( near sm north ) during the wee hours of the night. But I gave it up. I chose to be an active president of a Filipino Chinese org in ust during college.

6. Be a waiter in a class restaurant – I think it’s lovely. I love food. And I get to eat free lunch.

7. Learn photography – it makes me jealous to see all those yuppies holding their slr’s while taking a photo of makahiya plant in the garden. I'd like to try that also.

8. Try extreme sports – the idea of jumping in an airplane makes my eyes glitter with delight.

9. Learn to hip hop –hey, it’s as if those dancers have no bones at all. Plus I think its fun to try dancing with those baggy pants.

10. Learn a new language – since I am a self proclaimed chismoso, it would be fun to eavesdrop and understand the language of nationalities like the Chinese, Korean, African etc. haha. Know what you’re talking about.lalalala.

11. Try culinary arts – my father cooks the best caldereta and my lola makes uber delicious hamonado. Therefore I have a future. I’ll make the best fried egg maybe.

12. Have twin daughters and twin sons – well this will be a miracle if ever. And since I don’t have a girlfriend. How?

13. Receive the letter that I’ve been dying to read. – Where is it?

14. Hangout in the dessert during the night – I don’t know if this is possible because according to books, it’s super cold during night time in the dessert. Well honestly, I’m just after the star filled sky because dessert is a good place to witness that. Plus if I am with my special love, we can get naughty because there’s no one watching only the stars and papa moon. Joke. Holding hands lang ok na.

15. Surf – I think its fun to be on top of tsunami waves.

16. Abs, muscles, nice butt – hey if I’m going to surf, I should have that mind blowing body right. It’s a disaster if people will see me on top of the waves with my beer belly and love handles popping out maliciously. As if shouting “ hoy hoy hoy. Tignan nyo ko!”

17. Meet cool people – artists, poets, and free spirits?

18. Buy my dream house

19. Become a successful entrepreneur –I’ll pave the way for the generations behind me (my future sons and daughters kung meron) so that it will be easier for them. Not solely dependent on multinational firms for financial income.