moving on

“When was your first major heartbreak?” I am blaming Dianne for reminding me about my past relationship. I was playing psychologist to her because she can’t stop thinking about her ex. She asked me all of a sudden how I managed to move on with my past lover. I was caught off-guard. Then streams of thoughts flashed back. The cruel afternoons alone in the old colayco park with my eyes soaked with tears, the pile of food left untouched, the connivance of emptiness, pain, and anger sinking deep inside to my already shattered heart came back to me like it was fresh again.

Then I remembered questioning myself what went wrong when everything seemed perfect and fine. It must be some kind of a joke or a horrible dream not really intended to cross my life. I loved the person the best way I can even beating the odds thinking to myself that I cant be with someone else anymore. But how, in my then perfect and ideal world, did that happen? When all of a sudden, my fairy tale should come to an end faster than how I walk? How can love grow faint abruptly when I was just starting to create dreams about how our life will be in the coming years?

Then anger came in after that. I only have one heart but the person chose to smash it with lame promises of eternity and love. I hate it when the person said that it’s over and there’s no chance to revive everything back. It was something similar to death but then I realized that it was worse than death because when you’re dead, you can’t feel anything. You are lifeless. But what the person did will linger, even if the wounds were healed. It will be an ugly scar- a remnant of a failed relationship. that was my preoccupation. Can’t blame me for that.

Loneliness came in next. Yes I will not have the courage to stay up late at night again because I know that the person will not call anymore—no matter how hard I pray. There will be no more warm afternoons in the comfort of my beloved’s sheets. I just have to content myself embracing the sheer coldness of my pillow—lifeless as it may seem.

Then finally acceptance came. I know that in the next couple of weeks, my brightest star will be holding the warmth of another person’s hand- Squeezing it tightly with love’s grip, occasionally bumping it with soft little kisses. Soon, my love’s lips will utter the same sweet word that I will always long to hear to the new found joy that replaced me in my beloved’s eyes.

It must be some kind of a miracle that I was revived from my deep slumber. I was in my lowest - dejected, forsaken and forever forgotten… A picture of a lifeless being handed down to vultures devoured until the very last piece. But I stood up, slowly embracing my self from the hopelessness that I felt, prayerfully lifting up my shattered heart. Then it happened, a powerful feeling that I can’t even explain. It was like the warm blowing of the monsoon wind and the thousand trumpet calls of angels from the highest heavens. It was like being born again.

It was four years ago. But it seemed like it didn’t happed at all. Funny how God gave me that courage to move on without the person. And now, I can lovingly look back on what happened during those moments when my creator proved to me the resilience of my whole being. I realized that the entirety of my spirit could give that love- to someone who chose to break my heart.

It’s refreshing to proclaim that I loved without expecting much in return. Even more liberating is the fact that after what I’d been through, I managed to love again – even better than before.

I am happy now. And I sincerely thank the person who broke my heart. Because if not for that person, I wont be able to know the true meaning of love.

So how did I manage to move on? I think its faith – I lifted my brokenness to my Creator, confidently assured that he will grant me his peace – and love forever.

That’s what I’m going to say the next time someone asked me the same question.